Seriously, spoilers after the jump. But let’s get real, there’s an Avengers movie coming down the pike with Thor in it, and everybody knows that. This ain’t The Crying Game.
• Why did Agent Coulson let Thor walk out of the SHIELD compound, even when he knew he was not Dr. Donald Blake?
• So Donald Blake has nothing at all to do with Thor except … he’s Jane Foster’s ex? The Thunder God’s alter-ego from the comics is a peel-off nametag in the movie?
• Thor couldn’t lift Mjolnir (“Meow-Meow,” lolz) because he was being a dick. When he became selfless and offered to get blown up to save the world, the hammer flew out of the pit and came to him. Is that because he was suddenly worthy? Or because at that exact moment, as we saw, Odin woke up from the Odinsleep? That is to say, did Thor triumph on his own merits, or was he saved by the Dad Out of the Machine?
• There are four women with dialogue in this film. Do any of them ever talk about anything other than Thor and, vaguely, astrophysics and how not to drive in a blinding dust storm? (This review aside, I would argue that the answer is largely “no.”)
• Does Thor’s mom have a name? I mean, I know she does, but does anybody in the movie call her by that name?
• Does Thor even really like Jane Foster, in anything more than a courtly, thanks-for-helping-out way? She’s the one who gets all kerfuffily around him, and when he leaves for Asgard, she’s the one who shoves her tongue in his mouth.
• Loki’s mad at Odin for favoring his older son over him, and at the Frost Giants for leaving him to die by exposure as a baby, right? Because that wasn’t super-clear.
• But Odin said he found Blue Baby Loki in the Jotunheim temple. Is a temple the kind of place one leaves a child to die? Wouldn’t there be lots of other Frost Giants there going, “Hey, did somebody forget a baby?”
• Every upswept ponytail in this movie leaves an unsightly thatch of hair decorating the back of the neck. Hair colors offer no complement to actors’ skin tones. Every male has hair that is either ridiculous (Fandrall, Odin, Hogun) or simply there (Selvig, Loki). Every woman has hair than can be described as simply “long.” Not one wig looks like anything other than a wig. Is hairstylist Amy McHale (TV’s “Cavemen”) the worst cosmetic artist working in Hollywood today, or did she simply build and apply all the hairpieces using only her elbows while recovering from Lasik?
• Do you think Kenneth Branagh, the foremost Shakespearean adaptor of our day, sees any parallels between the story of Thor and those of Hamlet and Lear? Any parallels between Volstagg and Falstaff? Do you think you could ask him that question and build an entirely useless trend/feature article out of it, Houston Chronicle? Isn’t asking a Shakespearean star to point out Shakespearean parallels in drama kind of like asking a physicist to point out gravity during a basketball game?
• If Thor can so seriously get shit done once he’s carrying his hammer … and for real, Thor with his hammer gets shit done … why does he even need to join the Avengers?
• So … are the Frost Giants okay?